


He tasted like old coffee grounds and hope (and I kissed him anyway)

by DorkPatroller (Lilmissprine)



Series: (and I kissed him anyway) [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Sequel, mushy fix-it feelings stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 21:24:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7239064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilmissprine/pseuds/DorkPatroller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The second part to "He tasted like apple flavored tea and regret (and I kissed him anyway)". Shigure goes to find Dwyer and make things right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He tasted like old coffee grounds and hope (and I kissed him anyway)

Shigure had never been one to make mistakes. Perhaps it was just the way he was raised, the privileges he had over other people. His life was sheltered, educated, professional, pristine... But he was always exhausted trying to keep up with that.

The world around him thought he was perfect, and Shigure worked so hard to maintain that image. After all, his father was a very important man. His mother an equally important woman. He was a reflection of them.

Dwyer had always been a pause from perfection. He was a joke or a game or a _nap_ instead of studying. He was tea and cookies on a rainy day. Dwyer looked at his artwork and he was always impressed, but he never critiqued. He never asked Shigure to be perfect.

His parents didn't keep much in the way of alcohol in the house. When they hosted events they always stocked up, but it was locked up well and Shigure had no interest in explaining to them why it was missing. The first time he went out drinking he didn't get drunk. He was afraid to, he supposed. He just drank until he was a little fuzzy and walked home.

Shigure was afraid of alcoholism. He didn't want to ruin himself with poison. He limited himself to drinking when things got unbearable. It was too hard to be perfect, and just being tipsy took the edge off of _life_. The weight of expectations and responsibilities all seemed much lighter.

The first time he got too drunk to walk, he texted Dwyer. Something about the fact that Dwyer actually came to get him made him remember that there was something else in his life that was perfectly imperfect. Dwyer made his day better—tequila made his day better... and he imagined that the two combined would be for the best.

Shigure knew the morning after they had sex that it had not been for the best. This wasn't a game, not a joke, he had realized. By hiding behind his drunken self to get to Dwyer, he had mixed pleasure with poison.

The problem was that it was a hard habit to break. He supposed he had always told himself that alcohol wasn't addictive if he was careful. Or maybe he stopped being careful. His reward for drinking was Dwyer. He always came—and he always _smiled_ when they had sex. A tiny smile, like he didn't think he was allowed the privilege. That smile was more addictive than the alcohol. That smile made him want to stop drinking so much, and to fix things with Dwyer. He wanted to make things real.

Maybe that was why he wasn't interested in drinking when he got to the bar that night. He didn't get drunk, he didn't get tipsy—but he _did_ ask Dwyer to come get him. And he did. That night things were different. Shigure was himself. His kisses were precise, his touches genuine. Everything was real. He was careful to find all the right angles and places to make Dwyer scream—and it was surely the best sex they had ever had.

But when Shigure said he loved him, Dwyer left.

He left _for good._

Dwyer wasn't particularly talkative but the world felt quieter without him in it. A new servant was there to assist him but he hardly wanted to associate with them. Shigure began a war against himself. He wanted nothing more than to whisk into a bar and drink until his liver failed him, but that was what he had done to start this mess. If he had done this right...

Dwyer left him a note that he wished was longer and more expansive. Instead it said he didn't believe him, and Shigure could imagine that was because he was drunk when he kissed him—so why should it feel real? If Shigure hadn't been so selfish, hadn't tried to combine his two addictions, then perhaps Dwyer would have known that his feelings were genuine.

He loved Dwyer, but not because they had sex regularly. He loved Dwyer for what he was, and what he wasn't, and how he made Shigure feel like perfection was overrated, and that he was perfect by being himself. He loved Dwyer for that smile, but he also loved him for his generosity and concern. Shigure could have had him, if he'd never taken up drinking. And so he stopped. It was hard, at first—but he even forwent wine with dinner at family meals.

Having to suffer through the pain of losing him without drinking was his punishment to himself.

“Shigure, why won't you smile anymore?”

The question was innocent enough, considering it came from his little sister. He had been staring out the window at the time, hoping to draw the landscape but instead just holding charcoal and blank paper. She was still just a young woman, hardly a teenager, and he didn't think she would understand the truth. He wouldn't have told her anyway. ' _I had an affair with my butler and fell in love but he thought I was lying and ran away'_ wasn't the type of thing to say to someone as sweet and innocent as Kana. So he said something he thought she may be able to relate to. He said “I miss my friend.”

Kana was a peach. She brought a smile to any face. It must have bothered her that she hadn't seen her brother's in quite a while. She crawled onto the windows seat with him, and he curled his knees up so she had room, and she said “Do you mean Dwyer?”

Shigure thought her intuition was developing quite nicely, and he nodded his head, and she said “Jakob misses him too.” Jakob had a soft spot for Kana. It was hard not to. _Everyone_ had a soft spot for Kana. A soft spot was more like a weakness than affection. Kana could wiggle secrets out of anyone. “He's leaving to go see him soon. He said he'll be gone a few days. Maybe Dwyer misses you too?”

 _I highly doubt it._ Shigure had thought. But then he thought back to the note—a note that he had memorized for how many times he had read it to himself—and Dwyer had said he loved him. In spite of not believing that Shigure loved him, too, he loved him. Shigure had a hard time deciding if it was more comforting to know that Dwyer loved him, or to think he had moved on without feeling sorrow.

There came a morning when he was sitting in the company of his mother. They were singing together, but she had asked him to stop and he knew it was because he wasn't himself. He hadn't been himself in far too long. He wanted his singing to sound the way it always did, but his heart wasn't in it. She had asked for refreshments and when Felicia returned with them Shigure hesitantly took a sip.

“Oh, this is interesting.” Azura said, and she took another sip. “I prefer minty teas myself, but this is quite refreshing.”

Shigure loved it. It was the tea he used to have each morning. His favorite. That wasn't what bothered him. What bothered him was that it was perfect. It was exactly how he remembered, and while Felicia was saying how happy she was that Azura liked it (but that she would be happy to bring something else) Shigure said “You didn't make this, did you?”

Felicia flushed and began to explain that she hadn't brewed it, no. Shigure got up and left the room, left Azura and Felicia to wonder what in the world had gotten into him. Felicia couldn't have made that tea because Dwyer was the only one who knew how. It was signature, something that he didn't share with anyone. It was something he made specifically for Shigure. It was _Dwyer's_ tea.

But he didn't find Dwyer. He found Jakob.

“You're back.” from his trip. He had been gone. He had gone to see Dwyer. Shigure wanted to see Dwyer.

“Are you alright, milord?” Shigure wasn't a lord. He didn't have a title like his father. He didn't intend to inherit that title either, it wasn't to be passed down. He was just a prissy, perfect, rich boy.

And he was disappointed. He thought he might cry. Instead he asked “Did... did you make that tea?”

He wanted him to say no, but Jakob nodded his head yes. “I did. Did you... did you not enjoy it?”

It felt like he was swallowing knives, but he shook his head no and said “It was wonderful, Jakob. I only thought... I didn't think you had that recipe.”

“You came here looking for Dwyer.” Jakob said it, he didn't ask, but Shigure nodded his head yes to the statement. Jakob nodded as well. “He gave me the directions. The dirty rat wrote down how to bring the water to a boil—as if I am unaware of how to brew tea! But he told me that you would like it, when I told him that you...”

“What did you tell him about me?” Shigure asked. What did Jakob know about this? Shigure knew that he had been asked not to tell Jakob about their relationship, and certainly he hadn't told anyone at all. That didn't mean Jakob didn't know. He could easily have found out from Dwyer.

“Ah, I told him that I was worried about you. It is rather evident that you're unhappy, as of late.”

Jakob was worried about Shigure, and Dwyer had tried to help, and that was... unnerving. It was a swirling of emotions all at once. Did it mean he still cared?

“Master Shigure, if I may... what _happened_ between yourself and my son?”

Shigure's eyes flashed towards Jakob and he remembered that Dwyer asked him not to tell his father, and he didn't care. He wanted to see Dwyer again, and he was looking at the only man who knew where he was. So he told him. He told him everything. He told him about the pressure, the drinking, the alcohol, and Jakob didn't interrupt him. He poured him a fresh cup of the tea and Shigure struggled to drink it without wanting to cry or wanting to push it away. He didn't want apple flavored tea. He wanted Dwyer. They were hardly the same.

“I told him I loved him.” He finished, and he was surprised when Jakob nodded his head in understanding.

“I see.”

Shigure certainly hoped he was going to say more than that. He had to, didn't he? Surely he had some opinion on the situation. Perhaps he thought that Dwyer had been a fool, or that Shigure had abused his employee, or a little of both. Perhaps he thought Shigure was to blame for his son's departure.

“I _need_ to know where he is, Jakob.” Shigure knew his voice was pleading, knew he was begging the man who had served him his whole life. He didn't mind. He said “I need to fix this—maybe there is still time.”

“Well.” Jakob was always condescending but Shigure had always been perfect. Now he was a broken and imperfect child in front of a man who could give him happiness again, and he worried that Jakob would try to protect Dwyer. Maybe he truly thought Dwyer had made a good choice? But after some thought that felt longer than it was, Jakob said, “You do owe it to each other to make things right. Apologies, however, I cannot give you his address. It isn't my place.”

Jakob gave him the name of the place Dwyer worked, instead.

The day that Shigure left he told his parents a lie. It was the last lie he thought he ever wanted to tell. He didn't want to be branded a liar. He drove himself and he found himself three cities away. It was a little cafe that had next to no business that afternoon (and honestly Shigure wondered how it stayed afloat when there were so many corporate competitors in that industry) but when he walked inside a bell above the door jingled and it smelled heavenly. Maybe there was something to quality over quantity.

At first he didn't see anyone, and he wondered if there was a chance he was in the wrong place, or if he'd come at a time when Dwyer wasn't there (and that would be the worst scenario, because he had no other idea of where to find him). But then the swinging door that said employees only pushed open and Dwyer stepped out looking nothing like a butler and more the way he used to look when he picked Shigure up. In jeans that wrapped around his legs and made them look longer than they already were, in a hooded jacket with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, in a gray shirt with nothing but the logo of the cafe on it.

Their eyes met.

Shigure had planned all day what he wanted to say but none of it came out of his mouth because he was a coward. Dwyer looked horribly shocked and he stayed frozen against the door like he planned to retreat at any given moment. But the seconds passed and Dwyer visibly swallowed a lump in his throat and Shigure walked closer to the counter that formed a safe barrier between them.

Shigure wanted to say something but it was hard to break the silence. Dwyer eventually did it for him (even if he looked unsure of himself) and he asked “What are you doing here?”

The thing about Dwyer was that he was always quiet and always precise about his words and he was always tired and Shigure always assumed that was just in his nature. Shigure was supposed to be the more out spoken of the two but he couldn't bring himself to words because Dwyer would think he was lying, and everything he had planned to say would fall on deaf ears. Eventually Dwyer leaned against the counter instead of the door, and he looked at Shigure so expectantly that it forced him to say something.

“I miss you.”

Wrong something. Dwyer looked away from him (and did he blush?) and he scoffed, and it was a horrible noise. A noise of disbelief. A noise reserved for when Jakob scolded him over something. Not a noise meant for Shigure.

“No, Dwyer, really. You left before I could explain myself, and I know what I did was...” Dwyer walked away from him, and Shigure trailed off momentarily while he walked over to the pastry display case. “...What I did was unforgivable, but there was so much more to it than just sex.”

Dwyer's head snapped in his direction and then he hushed him. “Shhh! Someone in the back might hear you.” Shigure was surprised there was reason to have two employees working at a time but he clamped his jaw shut for the moment. Dwyer walked back to him and placed a cookie in front of Shigure, on a napkin, and pushed it forward. “Take this.”

“I didn't come here to buy a cookie, Dwyer.” Shigure felt like this was going as far from the way he wanted it to as possible. He wanted to talk this out. He wanted Dwyer to come home.

“I didn't really say you had to pay for it.” Dwyer pushed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and he looked bashful. He looked like the word 'sex' had really embarrassed him. He said “I can't talk about this right now. I'm still on the clock.”

Hope springs eternal, Shigure supposed. “Will you talk to me about it after your shift is over?”

“...Not here.”

Dwyer's shift wasn't over until ten and he didn't really talk to Shigure much throughout it. Shigure was afraid to leave the cafe. Admittedly he worried that Dwyer might leave before his shift ended and sneak away, never to be found again. He didn't want to let him run away again. He sat at a small table that had a view of the counter and he watched him now and then. He spent most of the time doing work on his laptop, filling his time with homework and essays that he could hardly focus on. Once—around nine—Dwyer brought him a cup and set it on the table beside him. He also set down the cookie that Shigure had refused earlier. Shigure thanked him, but he didn't say anything back. Dwyer just walked back to whatever he had been doing.

Shigure didn't like coffee much (he preferred sweeter things) and he hadn't seen tea anywhere on the menu but he didn't want to pretend like Dwyer's kindness was unappreciated and so he drank it anyway. He was surprised to find it was warm cider. It was very good... and Shigure forgot his homework momentarily, to reminisce.

When the store closed he had to leave, but he waited outside and prayed that Dwyer wouldn't sneak out a back door and he was _rewarded_ because once the manager locked the building up Dwyer left his side and walked right towards Shigure. Shigure almost said something but Dwyer spoke up first—hesitating before he took a sip from the coffee he was drinking.

“I get it. You want to talk. Let's go sit in your car, it's chilly. You'll catch a cold.”

He had a plan and it was clear from the moment that Shigure sat down in his car and turned on the heat on low. Dwyer took a seat too but didn't buckle his seat belt, and Shigure imagined he didn't have any intention to let Shigure drive him home. He probably didn't want him to know where he lived. He said “We can talk, I guess, but I get to talk first.”

Shigure hardly thought that was fair. After all he was the one who had driven all the way out here to pour out his feelings. But... having a grasp on how Dwyer felt would be helpful, and so he nodded his head in agreement to the terms. Right away Dwyer said “I was using you.”

It was uncomfortable to hear those words coming from Dwyer because it wasn't very true. Shigure had been the one using Dwyer. But he assumed there was more to it than that, and Dwyer pulled his knees up onto the seat of the car with him and held the hot coffee in his hands to warm his fingers.

“The first time it happened was sort of your fault but it was my fault too. No one has ever wanted me as much as you did when you were drunk—you used to say things that made me feel good about myself. I'm not... used to that. Praise and affection weren't things my dad gave out for free.” He was blushing again, he was ashamed of himself for using Shigure, but it still didn't make much sense. “Kissing felt good, and sex felt good, but I knew you were lying the whole time. I don't blame you for being drunk.”

But he wasn't lying the whole time. He had deliberately gone out drinking _so_ he could have sex with Dwyer and that... well it was bad, but his feelings had never been a lie. But Dwyer thought they were, and maybe that was why he had reacted so badly to being told he was loved. He wouldn't make eye contact while he spoke, he just stared at the coffee cup and talked. He was talking faster than normal. Shigure thought he might be trying to blurt everything out at once before he lost his nerve.

“But then I wanted you to want me all the time, not just when you were drunk. And I got too attached—and I messed the system up. And you... last time, I mean. You weren't drunk.”

“You knew I was sober when I said I loved you?”

“Yes.”

“But you still said it was a lie!”

“It was!” Dwyer looked at him then, and Shigure wished he hadn't. Oh, he looked like he was going to cry. Like he was holding back an ocean with just one thin dam. “It... I wanted it to be a lie, anyway. I thought if you loved me for real... things would have been different. I don't know. I guess I just missed it—I didn't see you fall in love and it took me by surprise and it scared me because I didn't know what was real and what was a lie anymore. I thought you would be different, in love. It's just... easier to say it was all a lie.”

Dwyer was perfect. Not in the way Shigure was. Dwyer was _actually_ perfect at almost everything he did without even trying. He was naturally gifted to be a good cook, a perfectionist, a tidy person. No one ever called him perfect out loud, however. And maybe that was the single thing that made them different. Shigure crumbled because he was sick of pretending to be perfect, but maybe Dwyer crumbled because his perfectionist way of doing things hadn't gone according to plan. He had _wanted_ to use Shigure, but ended up in love and alone and scared.

It made some sense. Dwyer took a few too many sips of his coffee, it was obvious that he was using it as a deterrent to prevent himself from crying. It worked, because he didn't cry. Shigure wouldn't have judged him if he had.

“Dwyer.”

Dwyer was hesitant when he looked at Shigure, but their eyes met and Shigure said “It wasn't a lie.”

“Weren't you here three seconds ago when I said it was easier if it was a lie? Why do you make everything complicated?”

“Are you saying you just want to go on believing that, and not hear what I have to say?”

“Maybe. Talking about it is exhausting.”

“But you said if you got to speak first I would get my turn.”

“Well I guess I said that.”

“I made a lot of mistakes.” Shigure began. “I should never have jumped right into sex, but after I did anyway I should certainly not have pretended things were unchanged. I should have been direct with my feelings, and... I should have asked for your help, to stop drinking.” He'd thought of a lot of ways to change things. Dwyer chewed on his lower lip and looked away from Shigure again, but he was sure that he was listening anyway. He told him how he felt. He told him about the alcoholism and the soberness and he told him about all the stupid reasons why he kept his feelings under wraps, but most importantly he said “When I told you I loved you, I meant for things to go differently. I didn't know that it would scare you. I thought you would be happy.”

Dwyer never said a word up until then, and he certainly didn't say anything relevant, but he did speak up to interrupt. He said “Get out on the road and go left.” and he buckled his seat belt.

Dwyer's apartment was small but remarkably organized for the space. It was only one bedroom and the living room was part of the kitchen, but Shigure didn't see much of it. Dwyer closed the door after he stepped in and Shigure thought he might pick up where he left off, talk things out more, but instead he was pushed with his back to the door and Dwyer's lips crashing into his.

Shigure had missed it, and he didn't fight it even if Dwyer tasted like the coffee and maybe a little bit like tears. He held his face the way he wanted to the day Dwyer left and he kissed him back with twice as much vigor and he didn't start to panic until Dwyer slid a couple of fingers down the front of his jeans and used his thumb to push the button open.

He had come here to fix this, but it seemed like things were about to take a turn. Dwyer tugged down the zipper and that was the moment Shigure broke. He pulled his mouth away (it was hard—he ended up kissing the corner of his mouth and his jaw before he could make his mouth switch functions back to talking) and he said “This isn't—We shouldn't.”

Dwyer stepped backwards and shrugged off his jacket. “Probably true.” He replied.

Probably true. Shigure thought it was absurd. Probably? Most definitely! But he stopped protesting because after Dwyer stepped out of his shoes he stopped to _smile_ at him. Something shy and somehow also confident, but he said “It would sort of complicate your 'it wasn't all about sex' theory.”

“That isn't a theory, it's true.”

“Right... but instead of arguing about that we _could_ be having sex.”

Shigure wondered if his world was falling apart. He couldn't do that, not now, it would have ruined everything he came here to do. Instead he wrapped Dwyer up in a hug—one that made Dwyer squeak in surprise—and he said “Maybe I should go.”

“Go?”

“I love you, very much, and until I can prove it to you I know I can--”

“I believe you, Shigure.”

Dwyer smiled again but this time with less shyness. “You wouldn't have driven out here if you didn't mean it. It was a misunderstanding.” Yes, that was true. But if that was how Dwyer felt, Shigure had to wonder why he hadn't said so from the start. “We did some dumb stuff, didn't we?”

“...Yes.”

“It might be hard to fix all of that stuff in one night.”

“Yes, I agree.”

“I love you too.” It was what Dwyer should have said to him the first time Shigure said he loved him, but a bitter history didn't change the fact that it sounded sweet on his lips now. And he was smiling at him so much this evening—Shigure wondered if he couldn't make him smile all the time. “This isn't a movie. Sex won't break us anymore than we already are.

“Then I'll fix everything.” Shigure promised. Dwyer rolled his eyes at him, and pulled him gently by the hand towards the bedroom. Shigure followed without as much hesitation as he had moments before.

“It was both our faults.”

“Mostly mine.”

“Yeah, kind of. It's also your fault that I'm calling in sick tomorrow, but it can't be helped.”

“Why are you going to call in sick?”

“You see that we're in my room, right? In like ten seconds, I'm going to push you on the bed and we're going to have a ton of make-up sex, and tomorrow we'll sort everything else out.”

“I... But when you say that, do you mean you might come back with me?” Dwyer curled his fingers into Shigure's shirt and he kissed him again but it only lasted a few seconds. For some reason Shigure was actually surprised when Dwyer pushed him back onto the bed.

“Shhh, you're making this complicated again. Ask me to be your butler again tomorrow.”

“Oh, wait,” Shigure reached out and caught Dwyer's face, stopping him from sucking on his neck and certainly annoying him because he groaned in frustration. “You've got the wrong idea, Dwyer. I don't want you to come back and be my butler.”

“You what?” Dwyer tried to ask, and Shigure chuckled because the way he was holding him had made Dwyer's words come out through lips that were puckered up like a fish.

“I don't need a butler—my parents filled the position anyway. I'm not in the market for an affair. If you come back I want you to do it as my boyfriend.” And honestly that made things even more complicated, because Dwyer wouldn't really be a servant anymore, but Shigure couldn't imagine a world where he didn't see him every morning. Sorting things out with their parents would be a dreary task... but the fervent kisses that followed that statement more than assured Shigure that Dwyer understood. It was far from the first time they had sex, but that night, Shigure knew, was the first time they made _love_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> go listen to this song called La La by The Cab because idk i think it's relevant to these two fanfics and I like to share music. :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWuKYqca2lE
> 
> I hope this makes up for the broken hearts from before. There could be more to this au someday but probably not. But I promise they live happily ever after.


End file.
